Thursday, January 28, 2016

I am still here! (Kind of)

I had to abandon my tiny corner of the internet thanks to school and life. I feel like school has taken over every aspect of my life, and I have to squeeze everything in the little spare time I have. I have done a crappy job of balancing everything. I don't study as much as I should because I get tired of it. The girls take the rest of my energy. I have been having problems with Hannah lately, and it is to the point I am considering professional help. She has been physical and full of attitude. She tells me she is mad at me all the time. She wants to know when I am finished with homework so she can spend time with me again. I feel guilty. E is still deployed although we do have light at the end of the tunnel. I have come very close to quitting school. I have no passion for it. I did fine last semester, but I really should have studied more. I am great last minute studier, but I didn't really retain the knowledge. I should be studying now, but I can't even force myself to open a text book. I know if I go to E and say I want to quit, he will be angry. I would be quitting something once again. Life would be so much easier if I didn't have to worry about school. I could actually do stuff with the girls. I could go to things at their schools. This program is hard. It is very challenging, and I know I am not putting into what it is required. I also have no clue if I even want to work when I am finished. I know I complained about staying home, but I really would be sad if I couldn't attend the special lunches and programs at school. I always had my mom attend the special things at school. I want my daughters to have the same experience especially since they are missing out on having their dad around all the time. I know part of it, too, is just fatigue. This deployment has felt like an eternity. I am so ready for it to be over. E wants to go on a family vacation when he comes home, but oh wait school won't allow it for me. I guess he can go with the girls.

There have been a lot of positives the last few months. Hannah has been chosen to be tested for a gifted child program. She went through a period where she wanted to be homeschooled because she was bored. She was crying and begging me not to send her to school, but things are better now. I told her first grade would be better because they would have more options and programs to challenge her. Meeghan is slowly coming out of her shell. She is starting to talk to her teachers which is progress. She has changed so much since E left. I have redecorated (or really decorated) the house. My mother-in-law painted the office, my bedroom, and the guest room for me. I bought a new bed. The girls wan to change their room so I am using that as incentive for them to sleep in their room since they were sleeping on an air mattress in my room. Running was bad in December thanks to some horrible cold virus that stuck around for 3 weeks. However, this month has been great. I have run two halves, and both of those times were much faster than previous races. I have started using intervals while running longer distances. It was the only way I could even run a mile in December so I had no choice when I had a half on January 3rd. There is no way I would have been able to run the entire race. I run for 4 minutes and walk for 30 seconds. It is just enough of  walk break that I am running miles at the end of a race faster than I ever have. I have a marathon in 2 weeks that I am not completely prepared for. I have only made it to 18 miles. Both attempts at 20 fell short thanks to stupid reasons. I can switch to the half if I need to, but I think I am going to go for the full. It may be the stupidest thing I have done, but at least I will try. I also volunteered for the first time at the Disney World Marathon. I was handing out powerade just before mile 23. The faces and sounds people make at that point are pretty funny. Also, it was pretty amazing to see the behind the scenes stuff for a race. My shift started at 4:30am and we packed up around 1pm. It was a long day, but a good one.

That is all I have for now. I hope it won't be another 3 months before I visit here again. If it is, just assume I am buried in textbooks and powerpoints!

Friday, October 9, 2015

6 years

Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. This is the first time in 6 years that we are spending the day apart. Normally, we don't usually celebrate, or do anything big, but it still sucks that we are apart.

Our wedding day wasn't fancy or even big. I hate having people stare at me or focus on me so I wanted something small. Hell, I was content to go to city hall. After many discussion, we finally decided on Vegas. We like to travel so we figured we could go on vacation and get married at the same time. E was still in Iraq while I planned the wedding which meant I made most of the decisions. I finally chose Mandalay Bay (the aquarium area of Mandalay Bay to be exact.) There were sharks floating around me while I said "I do". Since it was a small space they only allowed 10 people. We had our families and a few close friends come. I was pretty excited to stand in front of a few instead of a few hundred. The ceremony started at 9am, and lasted 15 minutes. It was perfect in my eyes. The big secret we kept for that weekend was I was pregnant with Hannah. I was a bit scared to tell my conservative, Catholic family that I was pregnant already so I made E do it. I am a baby I know. We had discussed starting a family and decided to try the month before the wedding. Who knew it would actually happen?! So, I was 7 weeks along when I walked down the aisle.

Our wedding day. We look so young!

My friends that came to celebrate (thank you pregnancy for giving me cleavage)

My family and E's family

My brother who wanted to wear a Hawaiian shirt or tuxedo t-shirt. I chose Hawaiian.

The first year of our marriage was rough. Really rough. To the point where I almost left. However, we have grown a lot and learned how to work through the rough patches. Marriage isn't easy, but I am glad the last 6 years have been spent married to him. It is already the 10th in Japan. Happy Anniversary, E!

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Let's Get Physical

Yes, that song is running through my head now.

The girls are still sleeping horribly (and so am I). I am still failing a class even after a second attempt at a quiz. The class is hard! However, one thing going well for me is running.

I am taking advantage of having grandma here to help, and filling my racing schedule. When E is home, we either have to take turns running a race or find one that allows strollers. Since it is just me running right now, it makes it easier to register for a race. I have a 10 miler in October, a half in November (and maybe a 10K), I am still deciding about December, a half in January, a full in February, a 15K in March, and a half in April (Star Wars at Disney World). I know I will add a few more before the season gets into full swing. I was following Jeff Galloway's plans, and it was a great way to ease me into running, but I wanted to work on my times. I decided to try Hal Higdon's plan for my next half. Training started a few weeks ago, and it seems to be working. I went from running 3 days a week to 5 days. My legs are responding to the fatigue. Some runs start off a bit sluggish, but I finish strong. I am starting to see faster times more consistently despite the wretched heat and humidity we still have here. I have no clue if it will translate to longer runs, but I am excited to see if it works. My biggest hurdle is still the mental aspect. The minute I decide I am tired my body shuts down. I have to yell at myself not to slow down or stop. I start playing the "run to each lightpole" game. I am working hard on fighting the mental fatigue that has always plagued me. Some runs end up emotional runs because I feel like it is the only time I can truly think about everything going on. I consider it free therapy. I have set my 3 goals for the half in November. I am still not sure if I want to share them at this point, but I am going to fight to meet my A goal. 

Friday, September 25, 2015


It has been over a month since I have updated although I do write some great blog posts in my head while driving to and from school. School is taking all my free time. I am behind in every class thanks to the unorganized program I am in, but I am trying my hardest to catch up. The classes are harder than I thought they would be. Plus the girls are really clingy. On top of school for Hannah, Meeghan, and myself, we are dealing with a deployment. E left a few weeks ago, and the girls are not handling it well. Meeghan doesn't understand so she is super clingy. Hannah is fine during the day, but clingy at night. All this means that nobody is sleeping well. I get up at 5am to get my run in for the day since I know trying to run during the day won't happen. I tried to run after putting the girls to bed last week, and Meeghan stood at the window screaming for me. My mother-in-law is here to watch the girls while I am in school so that does help, but I am still struggling with trying to fit in all of the study time. For every hour I am in class, I am supposed to spend 2 hours at home studying. That would be 20 hours a week. Not happening! I no longer have any expectations other than passing these classes. C is for cookie and that is good enough for me.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Back to school

School hasn't started around here yet. However, a few weeks ago I received a very large envelope in the mail telling me I had been accepted into the Medical Laboratory Technology program. It is official! I will be in school to become a MLT. The funny thing is years ago when I was in college so many people told me this is what I needed to study instead of general biology. I wish I would have listened to them. I am taking the hard route by getting the associates degree for MLT, and then going back for the bachelor's for MT. I am pretty excited to start the classes. And a bit scared. I think it will be good though. I am hoping after all this I can work part time while the girls are in school so we have some extra money for debt, and I can still be available for their school functions or extracurricular activities.

My life will revolve around all sorts of bodily fluids. Yay!

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

21 Day Fix

Normally, I don't really buy into these kind of programs that limit what you eat. However, a friend of mine is a Beachbody coach so I figured I would try it. She swore it would help my running. I was supposed to start last week, but I failed miserably because of vacation. So Monday was my first real day of trying the program. I hate it. I hate that I am hungry all the time. I know I was probably eating portions that were too big, but dang. I. Am. Hungry. It is making me cranky and irritable which means I am yelling a lot. I am supposed to portion out my food, and follow the color container for food type. It calls for a lot of protein. Unfortunately, I don't like to eat a lot of meat and the other proteins are things I don't eat. They have beans in a different category so I am screwed. I am hoping in a week I will adjust, and I won't feel so hungry but I know they limit your calories on purpose. I am not too concerned about losing weight. I want to be toned and stronger. The workouts are pretty hard, and I typically yell obscenities at the lady on the screen. I push through, though, and finish it. The office has been transformed into a semi-gym. We bought floor mats to make it softer since we have laminate flooring. I will keep plugging away for the next 3 weeks to see how much it works, and I will do my best to stay away from chocolate (you know that thing that keeps me sane).

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Happy thoughts

Things around here haven't been especially happy and positive lately so I thought I would post all the good things happening. I have been in a funk, and I am hoping that focusing on the positive will help break out of it.

  • I have a 95% test average in my class right now. All the late night study sessions are paying off. 
  • Meeghan is 99% potty trained. At night one of us has to wake her to take her to the bathroom, but most morning she is waking up dry. Plus she is over her fear of public restrooms! A few weeks ago she had no choice but to go in one, and she did. Since that night she has gone without a fuss. It has made outings so nice. 
  • E is taking leave in a few days so we are taking a mini vacation
  • Hannah ate mashed potatoes last night! I know it doesn't sound like a huge deal, but for 2 years she has been refusing to eat them. Last night she helped me make them, and decided she wanted to try them. I can finally make potato dishes again!
  • I may have made a friend here. She is close to my age and has two boys close to my girls' ages. We were talking about going to Disney together while our husbands are gone.
  • E was promoted this month. The pay raise is always nice when trying to pay down our debt. 
And with that bit of happiness, I am off to study about point of care testing and all the crap that goes with it. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? I hope everyone had a great weekend!