Anxiety

I have been battling with what I believe to be postpartum anxiety (which I never knew existed until I was reading about postpartum depression.)  I was never really anxious about odd stuff like I am now.  Social situations scare the crap out of me. Driving over a bridge? Scares me as well.  Ants eating my kids while they are asleep? You better believe it keeps me awake at night.  I had issues with this starting after Hannah was born, but now it seems much worse than before Meeghan was born.  We had ants coming out of an electrical outlet in our master bedroom last night and I freaked out.  The husband killed them all, and he made me look at it.  I cried.  I started full on crying and I had to run out of the room.  I couldn't sleep in the room.  I slept on the couch.  I made Meeghan sleep in the pack and play in the living room because I didn't want them to come out of the wall in the closet.  (She sleeps in our master bedroom closet.  It is a big closet!) Today I bought all the ant poison I could find to kill the little bastards before they come in my house again. I am lucky enough to be invited to a Wednesday Wine group every week.  Although I always want to go out with other adults, when Wednesday arrives I start to feel sick at the thought of leaving the house to socialize.  I am afraid to leave my kids. I am afraid to go into a social group and try to act normal.  I am not a fancy person so I am never dressed up like the other which makes me feel insecure.  I feel like everything I say is dumb.  I feel like they don't like me. I used to be confident.  I used to not care if someone liked me. Now it feels like I don't even know myself anymore.  My husband wants me to get a job when we move to Jacksonville, and the thought of leaving Meeghan at a day care frightens me.  I can't even imagine letting someone take care of her for that long every day.  With Hannah it is easier since she is older and can communicate with me about her day.  I should probably stop reading about horrible day care centers.  Basically, I don't really recognize myself any more.  I am sure I could benefit from some therapy, but at the moment it isn't affordable and we are moving in 8 weeks.  I keep telling myself that a change of scenery will be good for me.  I haven't really enjoyed South Texas.  I hope a new location will help tremendously.

Kids

I don't have a real post for you today.  It is mostly just a collection of random thoughts about the two girls that take up most of my time these days.

• I am pretty sure Hannah is jealous of Meeghan. She has pulled a few stunts that lead me to think she isn't too thrilled that she has a sister.
• Meeghan will only poop during car rides.  For the last week, Meeghan has taken it upon herself to crap her pants in the car.  We may only be in the car for 5 minutes, and it is in those 5 minutes she chooses to poop.  It was cute at first, but now it is becoming annoying.
• Hannah had her first music program at school.  She loved it!
• I am ashamed to admit that I placed an ad to sell breast milk.  In the future I will donate, but right now we need the money.  We are still waiting on our reimbursement for our move.  We are facing another move in 2 months, and I am trying to find a way to get back to KC next month for my family reunion.
• Speaking of my family reunion, my family  has 4 new babies.  The oldest was born in September and the youngest was born last week.  I really want to make it home so Meeghan can meet her new cousins.  One is only 2 weeks younger than her.  The other 3 babies were all born to sisters (cousins of mine) which means my aunt and uncle gained 3 new grandbabies in a matter of 8 months plus one new great niece.  I need to see all these babies!

It's been awhile

I know I have been gone awhile.  What can I say? I haven't learned to balance life with two kids yet.  I am trying, but things that don't involve children and housework have been shoved to the side lately.  I wanted to hop on quickly to show off this cutie.  Meeghan is 5 months old today.  I am guessing she is 14 pounds and 23 or so inches.  She has huge feet.  I put her in 6-9 month pajamas and her feet are busting out of them.  She can still wear 3-6 onesies, but she needs 6-9 pants.  She must have a short torso and long legs.  She can sit unassisted for a bit, not too long, but she can sit assisted.  She is pushing up on her arms and trying to push up on her knees.  She will be crawling before I know it!  Her sleep sucks lately, but I hope it is due to her cold.  She has started rolling over in her sleep and I think it pisses her off that she ends up on her stomach.  She also likes to sleep with her face buried into the mattress so I spend half the night trying to turn her head the side.  I think most of the time she is resting her head on her hands so there is a bit of space, but it still freaks me out.  I know she is strong enough to turn her head to breathe, but I still worry.  Here are a few pictures of her taken yesterday.  

Showing some Kansas pride

I won a giveaway over at Macke Monologues.  It is an adorable KU jacket that both my girls can wear.  Hannah was so excited when I showed it to her.  She wanted to wear it all day even though it is in the 80s today.

Thank you so much Desiree!  

4 months

This little cutie is 4 months old already.  Seriously, my baby is growing up too fast!  She weighs 13 pounds, but she feels heavier than that.  Her poor head is tiny.  I think she was at the 20th percentile.  She gets it from me.  I have a tiny head.  So small in fact that I can wear hats made for babies.  Hannah has a huge head which she inherited from her dad.  She is 24 inches long.  I have to put her in 6-9 month pajamas because her feet are busting out of 3-6 month ones.  Pants are a little short on her as well so I need to find the 6-9 month pants.  You have to work really hard to get a laugh out of her (unless you are Hannah).  She is a pretty serious baby.  She will smile, but laughs are few.  She is rolling over from front to back and back to front.  She was a good sleeper until a few nights ago.  Now it takes an hour to get her to fall asleep, and she wakes during the night.  Luckily, most nights, she only yells out for a second and then she is quiet again.  I barely get out of bed and she has put herself back to sleep.  I hope whatever is causing her to fight sleep stops because I was running out of ideas last night.  

I am amazed that in just two months it will be time to consider solids, she could mobile, she should be sitting up, and soon she will start to talk.  I love my little baby girl.  I can't believe how quickly she is growing.  

I forgot

This past weekend the husband gave me an opportunity to have 2 hours to myself.  2 hours!  I was supposed to leave the house and not come home until 5.  Since we are low on money I decided to go to the library and then go to the gym.  Well, the library was closed despite what their website said.  I didn't want to go to the gym without a book to read otherwise I give up on working out within a few minutes (I am lame I know.)  I came home to get a book when I remembered that they are in a box somewhere in my garage.  The husband told me to find something else to do.  I went out to the car, sat there for a minute, and my mind was completely blank.  I had no clue what I could do that didn't involve taking kids somewhere or running errands.  I started crying.  I felt like I had lost myself.  I felt like a loser.  In that moment I missed my family and friends.  I miss calling up a friend and asking if they want to hang out.  I know 2 other women here.  That's it.  One has two kids so she is pretty busy.  The squadron isn't very social so I haven't been able to meet other spouses through squadron functions.  I felt so depressed in that moment.  I decided to take Pepper for a walk.  We both needed to get out of the house (and the exercise.)  All of this leads me to a question, what do you all do if you get free time?

Sequestration

I was hoping my husband could escape the sequestration hits, but his squadron is now feeling the effects.  His original wing date was in July.  That is no longer happening.  Due to budget cuts, they can only operate training at half capacity.  This means students could be delayed up to 6 months.  This is very frustrating for them.  They are working so hard, and they are so close to finishing only to be told that they will be slowed down.  My husband started his training in June of 2011.  He may not wing until October of 2013. The time on his contract does not start until he wings which means he will put in 2 1/2 years (if you count from the start of OCS) before his contract even starts.  I feel bad for him.  He is so ready to be a winged aviator and get out into the fleet.  I am ready to get the hell out of Texas.  The positive is he still receives a paycheck so I guess I can't complain too much.